The Wandering Widow- Day 24

I heard his voice on a video tonight.

I'm okay- but I can't write.
 

The Wandering Widow- Day 23

There is some weird ju-ju that follows me on the highway from Santa Fe to Sedona.

Today started out innocent enough with a lovely sunrise and no traffic. Once I hit the  Gallup, NM area (the murder capital of New Mexico) things started to go, er, south.

The winds kicked up to high gear- 70 mph the news just informed me. Trucks were serpenting all over the freeway, emergency lights flashing. Red sand was flying and the tumbleweeds were tumbling right at me.

I white-knuckled it for more than 100 miles, and in Arizona, it started to rain- for about 10 seconds- when it turned to snow.

I thought I was going to finally have to put on my chains- in Arizona!

I made my way down Oak Creek Canyon and to my swanky hotel suite in Sedona. (Thanks, Expedia.)

Last time I made that drive I was an invalid passenger and it was a week after my fall/surgery on my wrist/elbow. I was a mess- high on Oxycodone and freaked about every bump in the road.

My poor husband was as patient as he could be, but we had an argument in a parking lot in Albuquerque, (my fault) a blow-out outside Gallup, stuck on the train tracks (my fault) when, exasperated, he sent me to the back of the RV to nap- sans seatbelt-in my bed.

Later, he pulled into a nice, quiet campground, took me for a walk, sang to me and later helped me shower and washed my hair.

I felt lucky when I pulled into Sedona today. I didn't realize it two years ago, but back then, I was even luckier.

The Wandering Widow- Day 22

So, thanks for putting up with me yesterday. I don't wish the wave of grief on anyone. 

So back to Saturday before it all hit. I left my cute little trailer park and headed over the backroads of New Mexico to the mystical waters at Ojo Caliente Mineral Springs - the oldest natural hot springs health resort in the country.

Or so they say.

It was pretty special. I was walking around in my bathing suit, barefoot when it finally dawned on me that it was 28 degrees out.

 According to 23 and Me, I was a witch in Salem, so it makes sense.

I think those waters, as deep and mystical as they are supposed to be- let out some feelings I didn't want to face.

And it almost broke me.

But,  on that cold and sunny day, I met so many people- and when I meet people, I have no problem telling them that my husband has died.

Awkward! 

But, if they are trapped or show an interest, they leave after 30 minutes or so, knowing everything about Ralph Thomas Reed.

Lucky them.

The Wandering Widow- Day 21

 Damn, the grief wave has hit.

It hit hard.

This will be short.

My heart is breaking tonight. I've done a good job of outrunning it. Of denying it. But here it is.

I'm not sure if it's that I had two glasses of wine instead of one ( seriously- it's the altitude) or talking to my dad who has a malignant brain tumor, called glioblastoma  and turns 81 tomorrow.

There are so many things that just caught up with me.

Don't worry, word on the street is that I am strong.

HA!

The Wandering Widow- Day 20

Today I drove over the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge- the 10th highest bridge in the nation.

Without having an anxiety attack. Or sweaty palms. Or just stopping in the middle. (Oakland Bay Bridge...)

I have a fear of bridges, giant overpasses, and heights. I'm not sure when it started, maybe 9/11 when I watched the towers fall, knowing I had been inside the Windows on the World restaurant? Menopause? Old age? I don't know!

This fear is known as gephyrophobia (pronounced jeff-i-ro-fo-bia) and it sucks. 

But today, I walked back and forth over it. I felt fine. No fear. No sweaty palms.

Of course, I was talking (quietly) to you-know-who about it. I was kind of bragging because I used to close my eyes when he drove over a high freeway or bridge. (Not the Golden Gate- no clue why.)

I was proud of my accomplishment. And then, a young couple asked me to take their picture.

They were so happy and then they told me they had just got engaged. On the bridge.

Well, that just about did me in and I wished them as much happiness as I had for almost 39 years.

Then, with tears in my eyes, I drove back over the bridge. I hope he was watching.

 

The Wandering Widow- Day 19

I am writing this post from a vintage trailer parked in the snow in Taos, NM.

It seems like old times- except Ralph isn't here- or is he? (My trailer is named Esmerelda. The trailer next-door is named 'Ralphie.' It was booked.)

How did this darling little trailer "hotel" pop up on my radar? Who knows, but I like to think he had something to do with it.

I left Colorado this morning after 16 great days of reflection, relaxation and a bad attitude for altitude.

The drive was incredible, up and over the mountains and over the prairie. I talked to him the whole way. ( Don't judge.)

I started a fire in the snow but the wood was wet, so I'm inside now, drinking wine and listening to music on our Bose. (" Never let the Bose out of your sight," he once said. "It's the best thing we own.") 

It might snow tonight, but I have a down comforter, a heavy-duty heater, and my hot water bottle.

But I don't have him.

#4monthsgone 

The Wandering Widow-Day 18

I didn't think it was possible, but I had a nice birthday.

Yes, I am strong, and tough and all of those things, but it's only because of family and friends.

I had a lovely spa day, because it's always nice when a stranger beats up on your naked body.

I rode a gondola to the spa and had breakfast watching the skiiers.

I talked to kind strangers and went to dinner with my friend.

I was mentally and physically exhausted and in bed by 7 p.m.

Thank you to everyone for getting me through another, 'first,' without him.