I'm Over the First Big Hump...

What hump?

 Sorry, I couln't resist. 

So, I somehow survived the six-month mark, but it wasn't easy. The damn grief wave snuck up behind me and tossed me to the floor.

 It was ugly, you didn't miss anything.
 


But guess what? The world didn't stop, my heart didn't forget to keep beating, and my kids made it through the day.

People might say, "Oh, six months, you should be fine now!"

I would say back to them, "You don't get to tell me how to grieve." Maybe not in those polite words exactly, but I would try my best.

But, good news; I am having longer bouts of happiness. I travel as much as I can. I work as much as I can. I love where and whom I live with, and I see friends (when they remember I am still here...) as much as I can.



My family has been rock-solid and have stood by me- even when I might not be the nicest/happiest person.

But hey, summer is coming, the grand-baby is growing and life, as they say...

The Wandering Widow- Day 28

The party's over.

Today is my last day on the road, and it's also the last day of my 'Weekend at Debbie's.'

It's going to take some time to process this month-long journey- traveling, discovering new places, people and ideas. My confidence is coming back and I can thank my husband for giving it to me in the first place- he was the 'King of confidence."

I know that he would be so proud of me for traveling down this road alone, although I had so many friends and family cheering me on that I wasn't really alone.

Thank you for following me down the road-although my journey isn't even close to being over.

 

The Wandering Widow- Day 27

I haven't laughed this much since August 2018. 

My trip is ending in Palm Springs with friends from 5th grade.

We spent all of Friday laughing and eating and drinking and laughing and it felt so damn good.

Ralph made me laugh every day. In fact, I have been told more than once by neighbors that we were not a noisy couple, but they could always hear me laughing. He made me laugh.

Now, my friends, my family, and my baby granddaughter will be the ones who make me laugh.

And myself. I laugh at myself all the time and I will continue to do so.

 In the meantime, I have one more night with these eclectic ladies, so if you hear us laughing, you are welcome.

 

The Wandering Widow- Day 26

Just the facts, ma'am.

Did you know… 800,000 people are widowed each year?

Did you know… 700,000 of those are women?

Did you know… The average age of widowhood is 55, and 75 percent of women will be widowed by age 56? 

I guess I am getting back into reporter mode with these statistics, but also because on Thursday I spent time with three lovely women- who all happen to be widows.

This is Joy, and her name suits her, and somehow she has remained as joyful and she could be after the death of her husband.

This gal I have known since she was three-years-old and we will always remain friends. (Even when politics get in the way.)

We met this lovely woman in Chelan, WA and Ralph helped her go through her husband's personal belongings when it was too difficult for her to do by herself. She has been an advisor to me since September.

Yet, it's not been an easy road for any of them.
 
 
Did you know… most widows lose 75% of their support base when their spouse dies?

 Did you know… after 3 – 4 months most of the remaining support fades for a widow?

These are the cold, hard facts. It's hard to even think this could happen to you, but if it does, know you will survive.

These women did. I did.

We are warriors. Do not f**k with us.

The Wandering Widow- Day 25

When in Sedona...

I had a massage with hot stones.

I hiked to spiritual vortexes- the powerful energy centers of the Southwest.

I hiked to a few awesome places to view massive red rocks that looked like penises sticking out of the mountains. (Just me?)

I had my chakras cleansed. (The jury is still out on that one. More like Chakra Conned.)

I bought a lot of salad at Whole Foods. (It's a phase.)

I talked to my new favorite psychic and my husband. ( Don't even question this one.) 

I relived memories of our time here in Walter (our RV)

when RR found a special place for us to sunbath nude...

When in Sedona.

 

The Wandering Widow- Day 24

I heard his voice on a video tonight.

I'm okay- but I can't write.
 

The Wandering Widow- Day 23

There is some weird ju-ju that follows me on the highway from Santa Fe to Sedona.

Today started out innocent enough with a lovely sunrise and no traffic. Once I hit the  Gallup, NM area (the murder capital of New Mexico) things started to go, er, south.

The winds kicked up to high gear- 70 mph the news just informed me. Trucks were serpenting all over the freeway, emergency lights flashing. Red sand was flying and the tumbleweeds were tumbling right at me.

I white-knuckled it for more than 100 miles, and in Arizona, it started to rain- for about 10 seconds- when it turned to snow.

I thought I was going to finally have to put on my chains- in Arizona!

I made my way down Oak Creek Canyon and to my swanky hotel suite in Sedona. (Thanks, Expedia.)

Last time I made that drive I was an invalid passenger and it was a week after my fall/surgery on my wrist/elbow. I was a mess- high on Oxycodone and freaked about every bump in the road.

My poor husband was as patient as he could be, but we had an argument in a parking lot in Albuquerque, (my fault) a blow-out outside Gallup, stuck on the train tracks (my fault) when, exasperated, he sent me to the back of the RV to nap- sans seatbelt-in my bed.

Later, he pulled into a nice, quiet campground, took me for a walk, sang to me and later helped me shower and washed my hair.

I felt lucky when I pulled into Sedona today. I didn't realize it two years ago, but back then, I was even luckier.

The Wandering Widow- Day 22

So, thanks for putting up with me yesterday. I don't wish the wave of grief on anyone. 

So back to Saturday before it all hit. I left my cute little trailer park and headed over the backroads of New Mexico to the mystical waters at Ojo Caliente Mineral Springs - the oldest natural hot springs health resort in the country.

Or so they say.

It was pretty special. I was walking around in my bathing suit, barefoot when it finally dawned on me that it was 28 degrees out.

 According to 23 and Me, I was a witch in Salem, so it makes sense.

I think those waters, as deep and mystical as they are supposed to be- let out some feelings I didn't want to face.

And it almost broke me.

But,  on that cold and sunny day, I met so many people- and when I meet people, I have no problem telling them that my husband has died.

Awkward! 

But, if they are trapped or show an interest, they leave after 30 minutes or so, knowing everything about Ralph Thomas Reed.

Lucky them.

The Wandering Widow- Day 21

 Damn, the grief wave has hit.

It hit hard.

This will be short.

My heart is breaking tonight. I've done a good job of outrunning it. Of denying it. But here it is.

I'm not sure if it's that I had two glasses of wine instead of one ( seriously- it's the altitude) or talking to my dad who has a malignant brain tumor, called glioblastoma  and turns 81 tomorrow.

There are so many things that just caught up with me.

Don't worry, word on the street is that I am strong.

HA!

The Wandering Widow- Day 20

Today I drove over the Rio Grande Gorge Bridge- the 10th highest bridge in the nation.

Without having an anxiety attack. Or sweaty palms. Or just stopping in the middle. (Oakland Bay Bridge...)

I have a fear of bridges, giant overpasses, and heights. I'm not sure when it started, maybe 9/11 when I watched the towers fall, knowing I had been inside the Windows on the World restaurant? Menopause? Old age? I don't know!

This fear is known as gephyrophobia (pronounced jeff-i-ro-fo-bia) and it sucks. 

But today, I walked back and forth over it. I felt fine. No fear. No sweaty palms.

Of course, I was talking (quietly) to you-know-who about it. I was kind of bragging because I used to close my eyes when he drove over a high freeway or bridge. (Not the Golden Gate- no clue why.)

I was proud of my accomplishment. And then, a young couple asked me to take their picture.

They were so happy and then they told me they had just got engaged. On the bridge.

Well, that just about did me in and I wished them as much happiness as I had for almost 39 years.

Then, with tears in my eyes, I drove back over the bridge. I hope he was watching.

 

The Wandering Widow- Day 19

I am writing this post from a vintage trailer parked in the snow in Taos, NM.

It seems like old times- except Ralph isn't here- or is he? (My trailer is named Esmerelda. The trailer next-door is named 'Ralphie.' It was booked.)

How did this darling little trailer "hotel" pop up on my radar? Who knows, but I like to think he had something to do with it.

I left Colorado this morning after 16 great days of reflection, relaxation and a bad attitude for altitude.

The drive was incredible, up and over the mountains and over the prairie. I talked to him the whole way. ( Don't judge.)

I started a fire in the snow but the wood was wet, so I'm inside now, drinking wine and listening to music on our Bose. (" Never let the Bose out of your sight," he once said. "It's the best thing we own.") 

It might snow tonight, but I have a down comforter, a heavy-duty heater, and my hot water bottle.

But I don't have him.

#4monthsgone 

The Wandering Widow-Day 18

I didn't think it was possible, but I had a nice birthday.

Yes, I am strong, and tough and all of those things, but it's only because of family and friends.

I had a lovely spa day, because it's always nice when a stranger beats up on your naked body.

I rode a gondola to the spa and had breakfast watching the skiiers.

I talked to kind strangers and went to dinner with my friend.

I was mentally and physically exhausted and in bed by 7 p.m.

Thank you to everyone for getting me through another, 'first,' without him.

The Wandering Widow- Day 17

Last year on my birthday Ralph planned an entire day of fun.

I'm not so sure I appreciated it.

My birthday is in January, and we never had much money for jewelry or fancy gifts so I could be a little pissy about the day, but he usually had something fun planned.

For my 60th last year, we got up early (for him anyway,) and jumped on the Coronado Ferry. We then took a brisk walk to an old diner called, Claytons- an old-time coffee shop- and ate a hearty breakfast.

We walked back along the beach and jumped back on the ferry and drove to Balboa Park, and meandered through the art museum and a few others.

After the park, we went back to the beach house and...took a nap.

After a while, we changed into nicer clothes and he took me to happy hour at Mr. A's- fancy!
We then went to a movie (no idea what we saw) and back home again where he cooked me a steak dinner.

 I had no idea that would be the last birthday I would ever celebrate with my funny, creative husband.

This memory will last me forever, which is a birthday present that will keep on giving.




 

The Wandering Widow- Day 16

I'm writing again!

I'm writing again for money so I can eat, drink and travel.

But it gets better.

I had a dream last night and for the first time I saw Ralph. 

The dream wasn't about writing, but as I pondered it, I came up with an idea, and for most of the day I wrote. 

Ralph was my editor, my biggest fan and my muse.

If in the next few months if you see that the circles under my eyes are larger than normal, it's because I am on a creative roll. And well, I cry sometimes too.

Thanks, babe. 

The Wandering Widow- Day 15

Today I took a Sunday drive up and over and down the mountains to Denver.

It was "Extended Family" day.

I took my great niece by marriage to lunch and we laughed and reminisced about family members who left us last year.

I caught up with my cousin by marriage to my step-father- and her wife- and we caught up and they let me talk about Ralph whom they only knew through Facebook, but loved him anyway.

Family can be a pain in the ass, but when the shit hits the fan, they are the ones still there to help you clean up the mess.

Thank you, all.



 

The Wandering Widow- Day 14

I love the mountains, but they make me sick.

I can't kick this altitude sickness. 9000-feet is okay...but 12000- feet makes my head pound and my stomach queasy.

Ralph was fine at 10K when we were in Rocky Mountain National Park in 2017, but when we hit 12,000 even he got a little freaky and we turned back.

I'm not sure what to do other than drink a gallon of water a day and refrain from wine- which seems a little like prison.

I'll soldier on, but sea-level is where I belong.

I'm heading home in a week- in the meantime, I'm saving a lot of money on alcohol.
  

The Wandering Widow- Day 13

The way I cook is to wreck the kitchen & then Ralph cleans up.

Wait, that's how I USED to do it.

Now I have to clean up after myself or make a deal with whomever I am cooking for that they clean up.

I'm not the help.

He used to do all the barbequing, but I took over that as well as the "inside" food. He liked kicking back, putting on the proper music and making the appropriate cocktails.

I don't like this new arrangement, but what can you do?
 

The Wandering Widow- Day 12

I could never have become a professional writer without Ralph Reed.

About 20 years ago I wrote for a fun magazine that my friend Crista McClure-Swan created for moms who worked from home. I wrote some articles and I had a column called The Reading Room where I reviewed books that I usually read in the tub.

 "The Reading Room," get it?

Anyway, I had always wanted to be a writer (I had always wanted to be an actress really, but some people put the kibosh on that!) and after writing for about a year for the magazine (Did I get paid? Maybe...) Ralph and I sat down and figured out how to make that dream a reality.

"Go ahead and quit your job (as a telephone sales rep- ugh) and figure it out," he said. "If you're published in a national publication, you're a writer. If not, maybe you need to find something else to do."

So two major things to remember: We needed two paychecks and...this was before the Internet, kids.

Off to the library, I went. I studied the Writer's Digest, the market and how to send a query- SASE. 

Within a few months, an article on spec I sent to a very old women's magazine published my story and sent me a check for $150!

I was on my way!

I'm still writing- although it's extremely difficult without my main editor and muse- I hope to continue until I meet up with him again.

 I'm sure he'll have a lot of story ideas by then for me.






 

The Wandering Widow- Day 11

Rocky mountain high...

This post is going to be short and sweet because today we drove up to almost 12,000 feet, I had an espresso and a glass of wine and 16 glasses of water.

I can't write from the bathroom- well I can, but I don't want to.

I hiked in the snow, bought an expensive sweatshirt for my son-in-law at Melanzana and drank a lot of liquid.

Not everyone is prolific at 12,000-feet.